Jin Guangyao had shifted back a little bit when Xichen had moved onto Mingjue's lap, knowing that this was a much-needed private moment between the two of them. Currently, he had opted to sit with both his knees curled up to his chest and his arms and chin resting on his knees. The rest of him was covered by his hair. For some reason sitting like this made him feel a bit more comfortable. The scar on his chest was covered from view.

He wore his usual appeasing smile as he had watched them, His face impassive as it had been in Koi tower for so many years. Not really able to help his mind from moving to the events that had happened before he had died. He had used one man to hurt the other man in front of him. But he was also was deeply hurt by both of them as well. Torn into two by both their regard and their scorn.

You are so good A-Yao.

You are an irredeemable son of a whore Meng Yao!

Who could he be in between those two things? He was a mirror reflecting what they had wanted to see. If they knew what he did, the crimes he had committed. How much blood was on his hands, they would hate him.

Who can he be now? Who can he be without having to continue lying, and remembering what lies he had told?

He wanted to protect them.

He wanted safety and worthiness that didn't tie to being good. His fingernails dug into the skin of his shins.

...He wondered if that could exist for him.